A Great and Terrible Parody
by GucciLovingStrumpet
Summary: A slightly mad, if not insane, chapter-by-chapter parody of A Great and Terrible Beauty.
1. Chapter's 1 and 2

_This contains spoilers for AGATB. Here are the first two chapters, in their parodied versions. __;) __It is out of absolute love for this book that I mock it so. _

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_None of it's mine. _

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**CHAPTER ONE**

SNAKE: I haz some pimpin fangs.

GEMMA: I hate India and its backwardness. I want to move to ENGLAND, the land of PARADISE, where they have weak tea and bad teeth.

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GEMMA: Moan, moan, bitch, bitch, WHINE.

GEMMA'S MOTHER: Yeah, so we've heard.

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LIBBA BRAY: India is full of backwards poor people.

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GEMMA: You know, TOM got to go to England.

GEMMA'S MOTHER: Tom has a penis.

GEMMA: I could grow one!

GEMMA'S MOTHER: Sorry babe, you're going to have to wait for the 21st century to roll around for that to happen.

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LIBBA BRAY: Just a reminder, India is STILL filled with backwards, poor people. Oh, and it's EXOTIC.

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KARTIK: You may only see me for a glimpse, but let it be known that I am THE SEX.

GEMMA: Oh, baby.

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AMAR: By the way, Virginia, aka, Gemma's mom, you know your ex-best friend? Who tried to kill you, along with that one kid? Who you may or may not have had lesbian relationship with? Yeah, her. She's, uh, coming to rip you face off. Just thought you ought to know.

GEMMA'S MOTHER: You succeed at subtly, Amar. You should definitely think of becoming a professional poker player.

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GEMMA'S MOTHER: I am frightened.

GEMMA: Humph.

GEMMA MOTHER: You can't come with me to wherever we were previously going.

GEMMA: Say what?

GEMMA MOHTER: Here, have a plot point instead.

GEMMA: Thanks, I'll take side order of fries with that. Oh, by the way, I HATE YOU AND NEVER WANT TO SEE YOUR UGLY FACE AGAIN.

EVERY PERSON WHO HAS EVER SEEN A MOVIE OR READ A BOOK EVER: Man, you're a dumbass.

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**CHAPTER TWO**

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LIBBA BRAY: Remember kids, India is FOREIGN.

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GEMMA: Aw, fuck, I'm alone, lost and without a chaperone. OMGIMGONNADIE.

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GEMMA: Hello, old, exotic, uneducated man! Please direct me back to civilization. Er, or as close as you can get to civilization in this hot, horrible, HELLHOLE.

OLD MAN: GTFO, freak.

GEMMA: At least I know that everyone, not just my family, hates me.

READERS: Bitch, you're a YA heroine. No one has even _willingly_ liked your type.

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KARTIK: I stalk you.

GEMMA: Please don't rape me!

KARTIK: Ha, as if. You're gonna have to wait for your hot friend to die before I'll want to bone you.

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GEMMA: Oh shit, what the hell is happening? I think I'm dying! Dear irony, I was just being overly dramatic about that whole dying thing! Please don't kill me because of that.

READERS: Psh, girl, you got nothing to worry about. I read the back cover. You're not about to die anytime soon…unfortunately.

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GEMMA: Hot rapist boy, help me!

KARTIK: Um, no thanks. I think I'm just gonna sit here and watch you have a spaz attack.

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GEMMA'S VISION: *Is trippy*

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GEMMA'S MOM: Where the fuck is that kid?

CIRCE'S BEAST: Hello, darling! Long time no see. So, how's the fam? Aw, that's great. Now, I KEEL you.

AMAR: Everyone knows Indian food tastes better than that bland fish-n-chips crap. Here, eat me first!

GEMMA'S MOM: Now's an excellent time to kill myself, I think.

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GEMMA: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

KARTIK: Well, what happened? Did you see your mother kill yourself? What about my brother? Tell me now, you HOR.

GEMMA: aska;shfaksldfj

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KARTIK: Also, your visions don't happen to get access to the Home Shopping Network, do they? They aren't lying when they say that their skin creams really do work.

GEMMA: WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR FREAKING PROBLEM. I shall now beat your face in, you hot, not-rapist.

KARTIK: Bitch. All I wanted to know was whether Cindy Crawford's anti-aging cream was selling for less than 29.99!

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GEMMA: OH SHITBAG. My mother is lying in a pool of blood. FUCK. My life really _does_ suck. Hey, at least now I have an excuse for being a whiny brat!

READERS: Well, this is certainly going to be cheery ride from here on out.

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	2. Chapter's 3 and 4

_Thanks to all those who reviewed! As to the question if I liked the series, yes, I did like the series quite a bit; it's just that, for parody's sake, you've got to be a bit mean to the characters and the creator. __;)_

_This contains spoilers for AGATB. Here are the 3__rd__ and 4__th__ chapters, in their parodied versions. _

_None of it's mine. _

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**CHAPTER THREE **

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TO CATCH US UP TO SPEED: It's England, two months later, and instead of being a plain old whiny bitch, Gemma's gone and become an emo whiny bitch. She's going to boarding school, her dad's been drinking one too many bottles, and is totes depressed.

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Also, Gemma's all, ZOMG MA VISION IT FREAKS ME OUT, while the whole cast of Lost is going, "Suck it, bitch."

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Her grandma's shown to be an absolute charmer, with her brother being even more kind and caring:

TOM: God, stop being so depressed, WOMAN. So what if your mother just died? We're BRITISH, for Christ sakes.

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GEMMA: London reminds me of India, which I now love more than my heart can take!

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GEMMA: Ooh, look at that poster of that famous actress. Lily Trimble's stunning, isn't she, Tom?

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LIBBA BRAY: Here, let's take an opportunity to show some old fashioned sexism! Not that it's much different than modern, 2009 sexism!

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TOM: No, all I see is a huge, giant HOR. That Trimble bitch needs someone with a penis to guide her, and help pop ten babies out of her cooch.

GEMMA: Bastard.

TOM: I'm going to bring up a subject that won't bother either of us: our mother's death!

GEMMA: Hmm, let's not.

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TOM: I heard you were going hysterical about some disgusting Indian boy…

GEMMA: Wait, is my brother concerned for me?

TOM: Yeah, concerned about the state of your hymen.

GEMMA: Aw, fuck you. And yes, and I'm still a card-carrying member of the V. Club.

TOM: Ha, what, you didn't actually mistake my concern for the state of your hymen as actual affection did you? Silly girl. A piece of skin in your vag is all that matters. Clearly, your actual emotions are the last thing on my mind.

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TOM: Also, we're telling people mommy dearest died of cholera.

GEMMA: Say what?

TOM: Oh, come on. Haven't you ever read a Victorian novel? Someone will always die of cholera, no matter what. We're just satisfying that rule with a bit of cheating, that's all.

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CRAZY COUPLE ON STREET: Stop this carriage at once! Important plot-like things have to happen!

GEMMA'S VISION: Miss me?

GEMMA: Um, not particularly.

CREEPY GIRL: Mary wants you.

GEMMA: …righttt.

CIRCE'S BEAST: I actually like fish-n-chips better than curry. I EAT YO FACE OFF NOW.

CREEPY KID: Run. No, seriously, bitch. RUN!

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GEMMA: Shit, we need to get out of this ghetto before I have another vision. Move, the fuck out of the way people! ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh!

TOM: What the fuck is wrong with you? I mean, I get that you have a vagina, but jeez, get it together!

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**CHAPTER FOUR**

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DRIVER: Welcome to Hogwarts!

LIBBA BRAY: *cough*

DRIVER: I mean….Spence….welcome to Spence!

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MOTHER ELENA: Despite the fact that it's highly unlikely that anyone in Victorian England would let crazy, uneducated, foreign gypsies on their land, this school does!

TOM: How charming!

MOTHER ELENA: Naturally, we only serve as pawns to the plot.

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TOM: So, I suppose this is goodbye. Try not to fuck up too horribly.

GEMMA: YA heroine, remember?  
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MRS. NIGHTWING: As headmistress, I am naturally stern, scary, old and foreboding. I may also be a repressed lesbian!

LIBBA BRAY: What is this word you speak of, cliché? Never heard of it!

MRS. NIGHTWING: Here's your 6x6 room. Never mind the fact that this place is fucking huge—you'll be living in a place the size of cabinet.

GEMMA: BOO YOU WHORE.

HARRY POTTER: Oh yeah, because you have it _so_ bad. Call me after eleven years, and then we'll talk.

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DOORS: Look how mysterious and foreboding we look!

GEMMA: Say, those wouldn't have anything to do with the plot, would they?

MRS. NIGHTWING: Heehee, what makes you say that?

GEMMA: Oh, I don't know. Maybe it's the ominous light, the creepy music, the purple prose, or the words, MARY DOWD, WHO IS DEFINITELY NOT GEMMA DOYLE'S MOM, BURNED THIS MOTHER DOWN are etched onto the door's surface?

MRS. NIGHTWING: ahhh….well…mmm…Say, let's focus on some school girl bitchery instead!

GEMMA: Sounds good to me!

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**Reviews are love!**_  
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	3. Chapter's 5 and 6

**Thanks to all those who reviewed. **

**I love this book, and for some mad reason, things that I love are things that I tend to mock the most, so here are the 5th and 6th chapters in their parodied versions!**

**Note: this contains spoilers for AGATB, obv.**

**None of it's mine**

**CHAPTER FIVE **

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: Girls, this is Gemma Doyle. She just came from here from India. Be sure to ask her how monkey brain tastes!

GEMMA: Yeah, um, that was actually just George Lucus being a racist douche…

: Shut it, HOR. Now remember girls, be sure to give her a proper, friendly, British welcome!

GIRLS: Sure, no problem! *IGNORE*

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ANN: Hello, I am completely devoid of any personality and am ugly.

GEMMA: …Nice you meet you too?

ANN: Do you kick puppies? If no, you'll want to after talking to me.

GEMMA: You're a real winner, I can tell.

ANN: And, as an added bonus to my wonderful persona, I'm also a total creepster!

GEMMA: Wow, looks like someone's aiming for a spot as the oldest member of the V. Club, Ann!

ANN: Whatever, at least I don't make bad jokes about butter knifes, GEMMA.

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PIPPA: So if you're from India, why are you white?

FELICITY: Oh my God, Pippa, you can't just ask people why they're white!

GEMMA: Hey, I've seen _Mean Girls_. Looks like I'll be ruling this school in no time!

PIPPA: Dream on, loser.

FELICITY: Also, that thing Ann said about puppies? Yeah, you'll want to murder them after talking to me! I'm just _that_ horrible.

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LIBBA BRAY: You may get the feeling that I don't like religion.

READERS: Yeah, we were wondering about that…

LIBBA BRAY: And you'd be right!

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GEMMA: And we now interrupt this chapter for Gemma Doyle's, "I miss my mother" angst-fest. Don't worry if you skip this part, because I'll make sure to bore you with my angsting about my mother in not one, but in nearly EVERY chapter of this book!

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FELICITY and PIPPA: We're still bitches, in case you'd forgotten from three pages ago.

GEMMA: I still hate my life, in case you'd forgotten from one sentence ago.

LIBBA BRAY: And remember kids, this book is CREEPY.

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**CHAPTER SIX**

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GEMMA: Since I am YA heroine, I am naturally huge egomanic. I feel as though everyone's paying attention to me. OMG STOP IT NOW.

TWILIGHT FANATICS: Now this is more like it!

GEMMA: Also, since I miss my mother, I feel like crushing some pathetic person's hopes and dreams. Hey, Ann, over here!

ANN: Despite your extremely bitchy tone, you've inspired hope inside me instead of smashing my heart into tiny bits. Yay!

READERS: WTF.

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PIPPA: Say, Ann, how'd you like to be pranked by me and Fee for the 300th time?

ANN: Well, I am up for the award of Most Gullible Spence Student.

PIPPA: That's the spirit!

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OLD NEWSPAPER: Look at me; I contain several plot-points!

GEMMA: Bah, you're worthless piece of crap.

OLD NEWSPAPER: Whatever, don't blame me when your best friend bites it.

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FELICITY: Look, this poor, unattractive HOR stole my ring! Expel her!

ANN: Bu-but-

MISS MOORE: It looks like you're off to the poor house, ugly.

GEMMA: I think I'll stand up for someone who doesn't actually like me!

READERS: Wait, what?

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GEMMA: How about a thank you for the girl who just saved your ass?

ANN: NO.

GEMMA: Tehehe, you're kidding, I'm sure.

ANN: Bitch, I will cut you.

GEMMA: WHAT. THE. HELL. People are so weird here. Whatever, it's Felicity who I really hate. She's the scum of the earth. No, worse, she's the Devil's Bean Burrito Farts; she's the savagest savage of---

FELICITY: You've impressed me, New Girl. Want to be part of my gang?

GEMMA: OMG YES INVITE ME PLS.

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**Please review, or you'll make Kartik cry. **


	4. Chapter's 7 and 8

**Thanks for reading, and extra-special thanks to all the reviewers! To the question about what YA stands for, it's an abbreviation for Young Adult Literature. **

**Here are the 7****th**** and 8****th**** chapters, in their parodied forms.... and we finally get to see Kartik again!**

**Note: this contains spoilers for AGATB, obv.**

**None of it's mine. **

**CHAPTER SEVEN**

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FELICITY: It's time for initiation!

GEMMA: No, it's time for my fist to make acquaintance with your face. It's two in the fucking morning!

FELICITY: Alright, go ahead. Hang out with scholarship. I hope you enjoy staring at a baboon's behind, because that's all you'll be looking at for the next nine months. Believe me; you're lucky you caught Ann on one of her "pretty" days.

GEMMA: Initiation, did you say? Let's go!

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FELICITY: So to be in our gang…you gotta go steal some booze from the church.

GEMMA: I don't think so.

PIPPA, CECILY, and ELIZABETH: But being a power-obsessed teenage girl's minion is so much fun!

GEMMA: I don't even know who the last two of you are…and still, NO. Listen, if its booze you want, my older brother can get us some kegs…

FELICITY: Baboon's bottom.

GEMMA: Oh, fine!

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FELICITY & MINONS: *lock Gemma in the church* Teeheehee!

GEMMA: Wow, I'm a dumbass.

READERS: You're JUST realizing this?

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GEMMA: Ahhh, it's the sexmuffin Indian boy!

KARTIK: I see that you're not wearing your proper clothes.

GEMMA: OH NOES A BOY HAS SEEN MY WRISTS.

KARTIK: Like I said before, it's all business, Gems. OF COURSE I'M NOT INTERESTED IN BUMPING UGLIES. JUST IGNORE THE BONER—IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. I JUST HAPPEN TO FIND THICK, WOODEN, PEWS VERY EROTIC, THAT'S ALL.

READERS: Oh, Lord. How many more chapters do we have to go through before they make out?

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GEMMA: Who ARE you? And why the hell are you stalking me, since you've made it clear you find me about as appealing as cow dung.  
KARTIK: I am called by several different names, all of which have to do with how hot I am. SexyBuns is probably my most favorite, though.

GEMMA: …

KARTIK: If you must know, I am Kartik. Now, I'm going to boringly explain to you a bunch of shit for pages on end, and you're going to go a little emo on me, and then you'll listen to whatever I say---

GEMMA: Ahahahahah. NO.

KARTIK: Listen, bitch, don't you dare tell anyone about your visions.

GEMMA: I was planning on doing the exact opposite, actually. I've heard Bedlam is lovely this time of year.

KARTIK: And one last thing. CLOSE YOUR MIND. I'm not about to tell you how, just DO IT, alright?

GEMMA: Yeah, sure, because that worked out _so_ well for Harry Potter.

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KARTIK: See ya, freckles. And remember—we'll be stalking.

GEMMA: So I'll just grab this booze and go back to get a good's night rest…

CREEPY GIRL: WRONG. It's time to follow the freaky ghost kid through the wilderness in the dead of night.

GEMMA: Okay!

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**CHAPTER EIGHT**

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GEMMA: So, em, what exactly are we doing here?

CREEPY GIRL: Mary says you've got to look for it.

GEMMA: Um, yeah, that's great and all Samara, but I don't _know any Mary's._

CREEPY GIRL: Wait, seriously? Despite it being one of most common name's of the time period? Man, you do even have friends?

GEMMA: I'm out in the middle of the night following a creepy phantom child. Does it _look_ like I have any friends?

CREEPY GIRL: Good point.

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GEMMA: So, um, what are you doing this Friday? I've heard there's this really good World War II movie out—

CREEPY GIRL: Look, just take the goddamn diary and get out of here already. I have a play date with and the twins from _The Shining_.

GEMMA: FINE.

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GEMMA: Despite the chilling introduction, this diary has to be the most boring thing to ever exist, and I've met Ann.

ANN: Hey!

GEMMA: Shut up, frumpy, you're supposed to be snoring.

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GEMMA'S DREAM: Weee, look how lovely and nice I am! And there are rainbow and butterflies and unicorns prancing around with special sparkles andOHSHITSNAKESANDBLOODANDBADNESS. ZOMG.

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**Please review! They make my day. :)**


	5. Chapter'S 9 and 10

**Here are chapters 9 and 10. None of it's mine, spoilers, etc. **

**For the question about what ZOMG means, it's basically just like OMG, with an extra umph.**

**Enjoy!**

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**CHAPTER NINE**

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ANN: I cleaned up the mud you tracked in while you were out last night with the Bitches.

GEMMA: Don't be silly, I was alone. Here, I shall smile a winning smile and make you forget all about that!

ANN: You look like a deranged cat.

GEMMA: Humph. Say, why do have those red marks on your wrists?

ANN: OF COURSE I DON'T DELIBERATELY CUT MYSELF, WHAT EVER MAKES YOU THINK THAT?

GEMMA: Calm down, Jesus. It's not like I really actually care.

LIBBA BRAY: Hehe, let's see how many teen "issues" I can fit into one novel without actually resolving a single one!

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ANN: Here, let's have a test of our one-day old Not-Friendship.

GEMMA: What, like me standing up for you last night wasn't enough?

ANN: Am I beautiful?

GEMMA: LOLOLOLOL WHUT.

ANN: And you wonder why you have no friends?

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FELICITY: So new girl, why are not locked in the chapel?

GEMMA: I snub my nose thee. Oh and I put the booze on your chair in the Great Hall to incriminate you. BECAUSE I HATE YOU THAT MUCH, AFTER ONE WHOLE DAY OF KNOWING YOU, I WOULD GIVE UP BOOZE TO GET YOU IN TROUBLE.

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MME. FRENCH TEACHER: Bonjour!

CLASS: Bonjour!

MME. FRENCH TEACHER: Here, let us only speak in French and confuse the new girl!

CLASS: Yes, lets!

GEMMA: Aw, shit. Couldn't I transfer to Hindi instead?

MME. FRENCH TEACHER: Non, you must speak ALL in French. So, first things first, if you're going to swear, you'll swear right! _Merde_ is shit.

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GEMMA: By the end of class, I have learned only one French phrase. 'I surrender' is '_Je me rends_.'

MME. FT.: See, it's the singularly most important phrase to the French.

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ANN: Now that we've gotten the mandatory French joke out of the way, look, I can sing!

GEMMA: Thank god. Here I was, thinking you were a total waste of space. Good thing you have one redeeming quality!

ANN: Whatever, I'll take it. I think there was a hidden compliment in there.

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MISS MOORE: I am the hot, young bohemian art teacher. Let's be progressive! How does this painting make you feel?

GEMMA: Teeheehee, the sheep don't know what to say!

MISS MOORE: So Gemma, what do you think about the drawing?

GEMMA: Well….um, I, er….

MISS MOORE: Excellent assessment, Gemma. I've always found the sound 'er' to be essential in constructive criticism. Anyone else have an answer? This time, I'd like one actually composed of real words.

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BRIGID: HOLY SHIT, you look just like—

GEMMA: Out of my way, peon. I have no time for you or your blatant foreshadowing!

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**CHAPTER TEN **

*****

GEMMA: Good lord, Mary Dowd is boring. Why am I even reading this crap?

SNOBBY READERS: We were wondering the same thing ourselves, actually.

GEMMA: Blah blah blah, even Webster's Dictionary isn't as bad as—

DIARY: ZOMG VISIONS

GEMMA: IT'S LIKE IT KNOWS ME.

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DREAM: Here, let's have some important plot related things happen.

GEMMA'S MOTHER: Here, take this fabric.

GEMMA: No thanks, it's all gross and muddy.

GEMMA'S MOTHER: TAKE IT, WOMAN.

GEMMA: Fine, if you insist.

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FELICITY: SNOG SNOG SNOG

GEMMA: FELICITY!

FELICITY: GEMMA!

GEMMA: _Victorian Third Base_ with a GYPSY!?

FELICITY: Don't judge me, I have NEEDS, okay?

READERS WHO HAVE READ TSFT: Yeah, needs that suspiciously change sexual orientation in the third book.

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MRS. NIGHTWING: I'll be in the clearing in 5…4…3…

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FELICITY: HELP ME.

GEMMA: *PUSH*

FELICITY: The fuck?

GEMMA: Ahaha, I've been wanting to do that for at least 3 chapters!

FELICITY: *glare*

GEMMA: em, I mean, heh…I always find it best to save people by pushing them into lakes. Teehee!

ITHAL: I think I'll just stay here and make things more complicated.

GEMMA: Damn.

KARTIK: Hey, Ithal, a band of traveling gypsy whores just arrived…and one looks an awful lot like Jessica Albaaaa!

ITHAL: No thanks, I'll just stay here.

KARTIK: It's the Yankees vs. Red Socks, they're tied, and it's going into the 13th inning!

ITHAL: Still not moving.

KARTIK: Oh, come _on_. Look, there's even Man United vs. Arsenal game on!

ITHAL: NO.

KARTIK: A _Project Runway_ marathon?

ITHAL: Shit, I'm out of this joint.

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FELICITY: Since you saved me by doing practically nothing, we're now BFF's, mmkay?

GEMMA: I don't actually remember agreeing…

FELICITY: OKAY?!

GEMMA: Yes, ma'am.

PIPPA: *is a kicked puppy*

FELICITY: By the way, what's a plot point doing stuffed in your cleavage?

GEMMA: YAY MY MOTHER! Now all I need to do is find Mary Dowd and all can be rainbow sparkles and unicorns! :D

PLOT: HAHA. That's what _you_ think.

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**Please review and tell me what you thought! Seriously, those things make my day. :)**


	6. Chapter's 11 and 12

**Thanks to all the wonderful reviews! You reviewers are great! :) Here are chapters 11 and 12 of AGATB in their parodied versions. None of it's mine.**

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**Thank you so much for reading! Enjoy!**

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**CHAPTER ELEVEN**

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GEMMA: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN MY ROOM?!

KARTIK: Oh hai, Gemma. Nothing to see here, move along, ignore the man behind the curtain, etc.

GEMMA: I want answers. NOW.

KARTIK: Listen, I'm not telling you anything, you HOR. It goes completely against my principals!

GEMMA: …Oh, god, not this crap again.

KARTIK: But Libba says we need to get the plot moving, so I will _"accidentally_" reveal information about Circe and the Rakshana.

GEMMA: Score! Now I think I'll try to goad some more stuff out of you by reminding you of your dead brother. Surely, that will work!

KARTIK: FAIL. And since we seem to be having a contest to see which person can make the other feel more horribly— Remember: it's ALL YOUR FAULT your mother died.

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GEMMA: Whatever. You may have won the Make-Em-Feel-Like-Shit contest, but there's no way in FUCK I'm about to listen to about the whole 'close my mind thing.'

PLOT: Good thing too, or else I'd be completely lost without your stupidit—sorry, _perseverance_.

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**CHAPTER TWELVE **

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MISS MOORE: Here, everyone. Let's stick by the usual Victorian curriculum and look at some crude cave paintings made from BLOOD.

GEMMA: Remind me why again you're so surprised when you get fired?

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MISS MOORE: Woman would paint these pictures of strong, woman warriors.

GEMMA: Good thing there aren't any frat boys here to make the obligatory period blood joke.

GYPSY BOY: Actually….

MISS MOORE: Moving on! So…

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CECILY: Wait, female fighters? Gross! No woman should ever resemble and be anything like a _man_!

MISS MOORE: It's a shame about your moustache then, isn't it?

CECILY: EXCUSE ME? JUST FYI, I CAN HAVE YOU FIRED AND BURNED AT THE STAKE, RAVAGED, TORN APART BY DOGS—

MISS MOORE: Hands up for those who think yelling is a manly trait!

CECILY: Grrr…

MISS MOORE: Growling. Also a pretty manly trait, wouldn't you say, girls?

CECILY: FYI, my parents are HUGE donors for Spence…

MISS MOORE: Gemma, Gemma! Darling, here, let's change the subject and talk about the plot point that's currently hanging around your neck!

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MISS MOORE: Here, listen to me prattle on about the Order for pages on end. WHICH OF COURSE IS NOT REAL. AND EVEN IF IT WAS REAL, I WOULD NOT BE TRYING TO BE TAKE IT OVER TO USE IT FOR MY EVIL WAYS, WHATEVER PUT A SILLY THOUGHT LIKE THAT IN YOUR HEAD?

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ELIZABETH: Look everyone, Ann's ugly!

GEMMA: Ooh, wow. Elizabeth is one of the cleverest girls in school. She knows how to state the obvious!

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FELICITY: Hey, let's start our own Order. Being the most popular girl in school, I naturally need the support of a girl at the bottom of the social ladder to get this whole shamboozle off the ground.

LIBBA BRAY: Maybe I shouldn't have skipped all my philosophy and reasoning classes in college.

LOGIC: Ya think?

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GEMMA: Alright, but only if we include Ann.

FELICITY: Hmmm….

GEMMA: We need her, I can't think of any reasons at the moment, but--

FELICITY: No, you're right. Someone has to scare any potential evil spirits off, and her ugly mug will do the job nicely.

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ITHAL: I want to have lots of hot monkey sex and babies with you.

FELICITY: This is the part where I become a lesbian now, KTHXBYE.

ITHAL: *major sad face*

FELICITY: Hmm, after breaking your heart, I think I'll stomp on it even more! The sex SUCKED. Orgasm? More like BOREgasm!

ITHAL'S "HEART": *commits suicide*

FELICITY IN TWENTY YEARS: And that, Polly, was the first time I ever participated in feminazi bonerkilling.

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**Please Review! :)**


	7. Chapter's 13 and 14

**Thanks to all those who reviewed! **

**None of it's mine, naturally. Here are chapters 13 and 14 in their parodied forms. Enjoy!**

**CHAPTER THIRTEEN**

*****

PIPPA: Ugh, I HATE visiting dark, creepy caves in the middle of the night. Bitch, bitch, whine, whine, moannnn.

GEMMA: Thank god I'm not like that.

READERS: Girl, exactly what book have _you_ been reading?

*

FELICITY: Booze-time! Remember, this is the closest thing we'll ever have to a 21st century kegger, so make it count.

ANN: Um, I don't drink.

FELICITY & PIPPA: *PEER PRESSURE*

*

ANN: Let me actually make a joke!

READERS: Yay, Ann's showing that she's not a total spaz!

LIBBA BRAY: Hahaha, no victories for Ann, sorry! I must destroy every sliver of Ann possibly being cool to make her pathetic again!

ANN: :(

*

GEMMA: I am a sad drunk.

READERS: Shocker.

*

PIPPA: Let's make up a dumb name for this club.

FELICITY: How about, _'Felicity, Two Sex Kittens, and a Fugly Grandma'_?

ANN: Har, har, you're clever. What do you think of the _'Edward Cullen Appreciation Club_?'

FELICITY: Pervert. He's not even born yet.

PIPPA: '_The Beatles'_?

FELICITY: Yeah, sure, let's name ourselves after a bug. Whoever would use that name would clearly be doomed to be a failure.

ANN: The '_Edward Cullen is Sexy' _club would be the perfect name, I think.

FELICITY: That clearly proves that you _can't _think, actually.

ANN: BITCH.

GEMMA: How about, '_The Order_?'

FELICITY: Since it's the least stupid of everything we've suggested, let's do it!

*

FELICITY: I think I'll kiss Gemma for absolutely no reason!

GEMMA: Um…_awkward_. Don't you know that you're only supposed to drunkenly make out with girls when boys are around, because as women, our sole purpose is to pleasure them? I SEE NO MEN.

FELICITY: Are you blind? Ann's sitting right next to you!

LIBBA BRAY: And you say there's no lesbian foreshadowing!

*

GEMMA: Hey, let's read my not-mother's diary.

MARY DOWD'S DIARY: Magic, magic, magic, MAGIC. Oh, and did I mention? I HAZ MAGIK.

*

GEMMA: So, Fee, why does your mother live in Paris?

FELICITY: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY? HOW DARE YOU IMPLY SHE'S A WHORE!

GEMMA: Ummm, wait, what?

PIPPA: I wish my mother was a Not-whore is Paris. Mine's _awful_. She's always trying to sell me off to creepy old pervs. Gemma and Ann, you're so lucky yours DIED.

FELICITY, GEMMA, ANN: WTF, YOU CALLOUS BITCH.

PIPPA: Honestly, I just don't get how that's rude!

*

ANN: Look, Victorian porn!

GEMMA: Ohh, let's all make sex jokes even though we're supposedly supposed to be prudes about that sort of thing.

*

FELICITY: When I grow up, I'm gonna fuck every slightly attractive man who crosses my path!

PIPPA: Why, you'll screw Gordon Brown and Barak Obama!

FELICITY: Yeah, I'll be such a good lay that they'll come to _me_ for every decision involving their country!

GEMMA: Not that that'll be much of a change for America; some Dick was already doing that…

ANN: You'll even do that guy from those Subway commercials! And Robert Patterson!

ALL THREE: Teeheehee! Yay promiscuous sex!

GEMMA: And admirals! Tons and tons of hot, sweaty, sexy, admirals!

FELICITY: HOW DARE YOU.

*

FELICITY: Let's have a blood ritual to make this official.

ANN: And _I'm_ supposed to be the creepy one?

FELICITY: Give me your necklace, Gem, so we can cut ourselves on it.

GEMMA: But Felicity, _AIDS_.

FELICITY: Oh, yeah, someone better go get a condom for this piece of jewelry. Just shut up, and bleed, mmkay?

*

FELICITY: Also, let's tell each other deep, dark, secrets. What do you want most in life? Me, I want to TAKE OVER THE MOTHER FUCKING WORLD.

PIPPA, GEMMA, ANN: ….

FELICITY: Ann, honey, you're next.

ANN: To not be disgustingly ugly.

PIPPA: I want Twue woveeeeeee. And a nice MLT - mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich.

FELICITY: Gemma?

GEMMA: To not be totally clueless.

FELICITY: WOOT. Yay, secret societies! It's not like anything ever bad comes out of these things, trust.

**CHAPTER FOURTEEN**

*****

HANGOVER: HOLLA!

GEMMA: Here, I'll repeat the same line that everyone in their life will say at least a few good times: I am never drinking again.

*

MADAME LE-FROGGIE: Gemma, have you been _drinking_?

GEMMA: ahaha, of course not, what makes you say that?

MADAME FROG: Well, besides the smell, your disheveled appearance, and the fact that you keep muttering, 'bright lights are the devil,' you have the words, 'GEMMA DOYLE SUCKS FISH BALLS' written on your forehead.

GEMMA: Nope, I've never even tasted wine!

FROGGIE: See me after class.

*

PIPPA: Here, Fee, have a note.

FELICITY: Because I'm a bitch, I think I'll pass it to Gemma instead. This will be great for keeping my secret society banded loyally together!

*

MADAME FROGPANTS: I know you've been drinking, but because I'm made of WIN, I'm letting you off easy.

GEMMA: Thanks, and BTW, your fiancée's a cutie.

MADAME FRENCHY: I know, right? He was just so great at eating pus—

GEMMA: WOAH, inappropriate conversation with a teacher! I'll be leaving now.

*

GEMMA: So I'll just take a looksie at the note…

PIPPA'S NOTE: Gemma's STOOPID. And has big hands! Woe, I am the master of all insults.

*

MR. BUMBLEBEE: I have come to court some hot virgin ASS. Pippa, bend over and pick up those flowers I got you so I can get a nice look at your butt. DAY-UM.

PIPPA: I. HATE. MY. LIFE.

*

BRIDGID: Remember girls, this could be you. If you're smart, you could be in the same position she's in.

GEMMA: I doubt that. You _know_ they're only gonna do it missionary, what being the Victorian era and all, and he's so fat he's bound to crush her.

CECILY: Oh shut up, FISH BALLS, she's so lucky. She'll be a wife, which is naturally the only suitable role for us Vaginas. I'd love it if that were me.

FELICITY: Yeah, sure, we've all _love_ to get it on with a dithering fat old man who's hornier than a rhinoceroses.

CECILY: Humph.

FELICITY: Look, it's not what Pip wants.

ELIZABETH: We're women. We don't _get_ to choose what we want.

LIBBA BRAY: And once you're done reading this book, please turn to the very back, where you'll find some shiny feminist pamphlets to distribute to you and all your friends!

*

**Thanks for reading! Please review! =]**


	8. Chapter's 15 and 16

**Thanks to all those who reviewed! **

**I did not write AGATB, etc. Here are chapters 15 and 16 in their parodied forms. Enjoy!**

* * *

**CHAPTER FIFTEEN**

*****

PIPPA: RAWR, Bumby can just GTFO. Let me bitch about him for a bit, and then let's make fun of him!

FELICITY: Haha, you're so going to have misshapen headed babies with him!

PIPPA: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

FELICITY: Jesus, take a joke, would you?

*

MARY DOWD'S DIARY: …and then we touched fingers with our sisters.

FELICITY: Oooh, Victorian first base. Bet they were lesbos.

PIPPA: Say what?

FELICITY: You know, girl-on-girl action? Girl screwing girl? Pussy eating pussy? What we're going to do in the third book?

PIPPA, ANN, GEMMA: EWWWWWWW.

FELICITY: Glad to hear I can count on your support when I come out of the closet in TSFT.

ANN: Teeheehee, _come_.

GEMMA: Do you want to include a, _That's what she said_, Ann, or can I keep reading?

*

MARY DOWD'S DIARY: My best friend might be evil, so I think I'll be the perfect idea to help her get more power! Nothing bad can come out of this, I'm sure!

FELICITY, PIPPA, ANN: Haha, what a lame piece of crap.

*

PIPPA: Let's make some magic!

FELICITY: 'Magic' doesn't happen to be a coded word for 'hot lesbian orgy', does it?!

PIPPA: NO.

FELICITY: Damn.

*

GEMMA: I have a better idea…let's…get off to some more Victorian porn! Eh, eh? Ann, you in?

FELICITY: Oh, stop being such a freak, Doyle. You're going to pretend to practice witchcraft, and you're gonna LIKE IT.

GEMMA: *sigh*

GEMMA'S POWER: Is away from the computer right now.

GEMMA: Aw, shucks, looks like I'm not nearly as powerful as I though.

GEMMA'S POWER: HAHA, JUST MESSING WITH YOU, BITCH. FEEL MY FIRE POWERZ!!

GEMMA: shdgdsklfjasdlfkajsdlf

OTHER THREE: WTF is wrong with you, woman?

GEMMA:…spider?

*

FELICITY: Let's get NEKID.

OTHER THREE: …erm..

FELICITY: To swim, naturally!

ANN: I'll just stay up here, on land, and you know, not get TOTALLY MOLESTED by Felicity.

FELICITY: Oh, shut it, Tiny Tim, like I'd do you anyway. Besides, you know the only reasons we're doing this is so the movie adaptation of the book with have a PG rated *HOT* scene to put in the trailer.

GEMMA & PIPPA: Fair enough!

*

KARTIK: I shall prance into the clearing, now.

PIPPA: OMGZ, A BOY.

FELICITY: How dare you look at our shoulders, PERVERT.

KARTIK: Yo, Gem, baby, baby. You, uh, couldn't give me that delicious brunette's number, could you? DAY-UM, she's got a fine ass.

PIPPA: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOULD YOU PEOPLE STOP COMMENTING ABOUT MY BEHIND?

KARTIK: What do you mean, _you people_?

FELICITY: Go away or we'll rip your eyes out.

KARTIK: Fine, fine, DRAGON LADY. Playa hater. Hilary Clin—

FELICITY: NO ONE GETS TO STARE AT PIP'S ASS BUT ME!!

*

GEMMA: Ann, since we're parading around under the guise of friendship now, I've decided to actually be concerned about your SI problem.

ANN: What about it?

GEMMA: Dude, it's the 19th century, I'm actually kind of surprised you haven't died of tuberculosis yet, what with all the rusty knives that you've collected for your cutting use. Just stop it, mmkay?

ANN: Alright, just don't tell.

READERS: Let's pause for a big 'AWWW' moment here. It's so nice that they're all getting along and forming lasting bonds of friendship which they'll never break!

PLOT: Wait, you do realize that you're reading a novel about _teen girls_, right?

*

**CHAPTER SIXTEEN**

*****

FELICITY: I do believe in fairies, I do, I do! Join me in my occult ring tonight, Gemma!

GEMMA: Psh, that magic crap is boring. I like to do interesting things, like slow dancing around rooms with books balancing on my head. Much more fun!

FELICITY: LAME.

*

PIPPA: Ugh, I can't believe I'm paired with _you_ for dancing lessons, Gemma.

GEMMA: …Hello? I seem to recall us all deciding we were bffs a few days ago. You know, in the caves, blood, diary, magic…ring a bell?

PIPPA: I HATE YOU.

*

MRS. NIGHTWING: My comments shall serve as a tool to show Felicity's wit.

FELICITY: Look at me, I can make _jokes_!

MRS. NIGHTWING: I shall now leave the room for important plot like advancements to happen.

*

PIPPA: I'm going to marry Prince Charming! And his name will be Earnest, and he'll have a lovely brother and then we'll ride away on unicorns with rainbows coming out of their asses!

FELICITY: Yeah, keep dreaming, girl-not-as-rich-as-I.

PIPPA: Oh, that's RICH, coming from you.

FELICITY: Yeah, I am rich, actually.

PIPPA: Boo you whore. Oh, no, wait, that's your _mother_.

FELICITY: FATHER FUCKING DICKTWAT BITCH DICK BASTERD OF THE SEVEN SEAS.

*

PIPPA: It's all YOUR fault Fee and I hate each other, Gemma!

GEMMA: Yeah, because _I_ was the one who made you tell everyone her mother's a ho.

*

MAGIC: Oh, hehe, boring, am I?

GEMMA: OHSHITMAGIC. AND OHSHITTTTTPIP'SCOMINGWITHME. FUCKPANTS.

*

PIPPA: *SPAZ ATTACK*

GEMMA: IT'S MY ENTIRE FAULT WHY??? WHY??? WHYYYYY??? But hey, at least I'll have some new fodder for my emo poetry.

MRS. NIGHTWING: I absolutely forbid any writings of bad poetry regarding this incident! I'm simply tired of finding scraps of paper lying around that moan on about how life is 'a dark pit of despair'! Also, on a side note, no one is allowed to speak of this occurrence again. For the conveyance of this plot, it's been decided that Epilepsy's the Victorian AIDS.

CECILY: Too late, Mama Wingspan. Today is a great triumph for the Gossip God's—Fee's mom's a whore and Pip's diseased? HELL YEAH, BITCHES.

FELICITY: *sigh* And of course, this happens as soon as I tell her I hate her. Typical.

*

MISS MOORE: Let's have a motherly heart-to-heart, Gemma. Not because I'm evil and trying to use your powers to be the ruler of the universe, or anything, but because I _care_.

GEMMA: So, do you know any words that rhyme with, 'Epilepsy'?

MISS MOORE: Oh fuck, getting close to you is going to be a lot harder than I thought. Particularly if you inherited your mother's bad taste in diction.

GEMMA: Sorry?

MISS MOORE: em…hehe, let's muse about the Order, shall, we?

GEMMA: Alright. And then will you give me a word that rhymes with 'Death'?

MISS MOORE: Er…Beth?

GEMMA: Oh, Miss Moore, you're brilliant! I love you! I've decided I'll trust you with my deepest darkest secrets because you remind me of my mother—we wrote poetry together!

MISS MOORE: No wonder she killed herself.

*

CLASS PORTRAIT OF 1871: I love playing hide-n-seek, don't you?

GEMMA: ZOMG, I MUST FIND SARAH AND MARY'S PICTURE.

*

MRS. NIGHTWING: I shall talk of boring matters, listen to me as a recite all the names of my thirty cats.

GEMMA: So, Mrs. Nightwing…boy, do you have a great complexion. Really great teeth, too. Well, as good as they can get, considering you're English. And actually, I'm surprised you're not a student here, what with that wrinkle-less face of yours—

MRS. NIGHTWING: Oh, just get to the point, Doyle.

GEMMA: How come they're no class portrait of 1871?

MRS. NIGHTWING: Because two girls of the class, Mary Dowd and Sarah Reese-Toomes, totally DIED.

PLOT: Bum-bum-BUMMMMM!

* * *

**Thanks so much for reading! Please, please, PLEASE review!**


	9. Chapter's 17 and 18

Thanks to everyone for all the fabulous reviews! Yeah, so basically, I suck at these author note thingys and I accidentally sort of spoiled someone for the next to books, so! SPOILERS ALERT! For not only AGATB but possibly for the next two books as well (though any of these will be pretty vague. I think.) So yeah, sorry about that, keeperofthedarkarts. : ( I'll try to remember to put up spoiler warnings….

I know I'm kinda slow at updates (I say it'll be up in a couple days and it's usually three times as long as that), but It will probably be a while before my next update, cause my life is absolutely crazy right now.

Oh, and I didn't write AGATB, etc, etc. So, onto chapters 17 and 18!

* * *

**CHAPTER 17**

NIGHTWING: Blah, blah, blah, let me prattle on about important things that don't relate to the plot.

FELICITY: Let me pretend I have a heart for a moment and fake cry over those girls who died.

NIGHTWING: God, that has to be the worst fake crying I've ever seen.

FELICITY:*SOBS HARDER*

NIGHTWING: Oh, fine. Because my eardrums are begging for mercy, I suppose I'll tell about them to shut you up.

*

BRIGID: Despite what Winglady told you, those to girls were actually total bitches.

GIRLS: O RLY?

BRIGID: Not only were they murders, but even worse, they were LESBIANS!

GEMMA: Not _LESBIANS_? Oh, the horror! What a plague on humanity!

FELICITY: Wait,_ that's_ the bad part? Did you not hear the part where she mentioned they totally killed people?

GEMMA: Oh, pish, posh, Fee. So what if they murdered a few people? Everyone makes mistakes from time to time, everyone does it. You know, not a big deal. Be empathetic, geez.

FELICITY: But because they were lesbians—

GEMMA: HOW DISGUSTING.

FELICITY: And you wonder why it takes until the third book for me to come out?

*

ANN: I wonder if all that magic crap Mary wrote about was true.

FELICITY: Let's go to the gypsy camp and find out.

ANN: What good will that do us?

FELICITY: Nothing what so ever. Libba just needs to progress the plot, and finally get the Gemma/Kartik sexual tension to the next level.

ANN: Ohhhh.

GEMMA: Yeah, not so sure if that's such a good idea.

FELICITY: Oh, Gemma, stop denying what you FEEL beneath your pantaloons.

GEMMA: Really? Because you seem to be doing a _great_ job of that.

*

FELICITY: Also, Ann, in case you hadn't heard in, oh, the past few seconds, you're ugly.

ANN: Okay, was that really necessary? I mean, _come on_. Every chapter? Could I get a break, like, once? Just once. That's all I'm asking!

FELICITY: And Gemma, honey, you're not so hot yourself. In fact—

GEMMA: FINE. We'll go the freaking camp. Just stop insulting us, mmkay?

FELICITY: YES! Works every time!

**CHAPTER 18 **

**(YOU KNOW, THAT ONE WHERE GEMMA AND KARTIK FINALLY SUCK FACE)**

BUSH: *ATTACKS GEMMA'S LEG*

FELICITY: Oh, go going, Gemma. Way to get us all killed. Why don't you just stab me in the heart a few times while you're at it?

GEMMA: Um, EXCUSE ME? Did you see that thing? It _growled_.

*****

FELICITY: Hello, STD-ridden-gypsy-ruffians! It is I, Felicity; a meek English girl who could probably be raped by one of you in a second. Let me taunt you!

ITHAL: Oh, Felicity, you sure know how to win a man's heart.

KARTIK: Hey, someone had better not have ordered a bunch of hos and not told me—GEMMA???

*

CREPPY GYSPY BOY: I am only here to serve as a plot device so you two will get it on.

GEMMA: Woe is me, I am frightened! Like most people who are scared, my natural instincts tell me to start making out with the closest pair of lips. Running? Pssh, way below me! That's for people who actually have _brains._

GEMMA AND KATIK: SNOG SNOG SNOG SNOG SNOG

*

GEMMA: I kissed an Indian…and I _liked it_!

*

ANN: Did she—?

FELICITY: Yup.

ANN: _Victorian Third Base._ Wow, any girl who would do that, even to save her own skin must be, like, a major slut or something.

FELICITY: Um, yeah, about that….

*

KARTIK: Thanks for like, totally embarrassing me.

GEMMA: Embarrassing you? Right, because getting patted on the back for scoring for some ass is just going to be so _hard._

KATIK: Do I LOOK like I wanted to stick my tongue in your mouth? Cause I didn't.

GEMMA: That's funny, because only a few minutes ago, YOU DID JUST THAT.

KARTIK: Oh, shut up, now you're just imagining things.

GEMMA: Oh, so I guess I'm _imaging _your boner pressed against my leg?

KARTIK: Have you not been paying attention for the past 17 chapters? This _whole _book is based around you imaging things.

GEMMA: Whatever.

KARTIK: And because I'm acting like that much of an asshole right now, I think I'll order you around a bit more too.

GEMMA: I HATE YOU.

*

LIBBA BRAY: Sexual tension. Isn't it _great_?

* * *

**Thanks for reading! PLEASE REVIEW! **


	10. Chapter's 19 and 20

Thanks for all the wonderful reviews! Here are the chapters 19 and 20, and they contain spoilers for this AGATB and slight spoilers for Rebel Angels. None of it's mine, etc.

*

Hope you enjoy!

* * *

**CHAPTER 19**

*

**MOTHER ELENA**: Hello all! I'm just your general, run-of-the-mill stereotypical gypsy fortune teller. As usual, I'll play an important role in giving you plot info, without actually being anything resembling an important character.

**ANN: **She says I'm going to have tons of boyfriends!

**GEMMA: **Pshh, must be a fake then.

*

**MOTHER ELENA: **And remember kids, I'm FREAKING BATSHIT INSANE. You red-haired one, I think I'll call you Mary. And that's MARY DOWD, in case you were hoping for some sort of coincidence.

**GEMMA: **I was.

**FELICITY: **Hmm, let's skip past this boring stuff about scones and reading palms and get to the MAGIC.

**MOTHER ELENA: **Basically, that Sarah chick is way too ambitious, and there's DARK AND CREEPY THINGS THAT HAVE TO DO WITH THE ORDER. Also, I know all about the Order despite saying two minuets ago that I don't dabble to that magical shit. THE DARKNESS DEMANDS A SACRIFICE FROM SARAH.

**GEMMA: **Well, that's not surprising. Just ask any typical Evil Overlord™.

**ANN: **Uh, Gemma, you're freaking me out. And _I'm_ the weird one.

**MOTHER ELENA: **And now it's time for an upgrade on my batshit insanity. GET OUT, all of you, for I am a crazed gypsy woman who could do serious damage to your skulls by throwing CAKES at them!

*

**KARTIK: ***is Kartik-ing*

**GEMMA: **sdlkfjasdlkrueoitaj9348o1111!!!!

**FELICITY: **What the fuck is wrong with you? More importantly, what the fuck is wrong with me, considering that I'm still friends with you?

**GEMMA: **Er…….

**FELICITY: **Good lord, you're useless. I was going to ask you to arrogantly prance with me, but since you're a spaz, I 'twill do it solo.

*

**GEMMA'S SEX DREAM: ***IS HOT*

*

**GEMMA: **Must…get…time…machine…to…21st…century…where…we…can…fuck…

**GEMMA: **DAMN YOU, VICTORIAN VALUES!!!!

*

**CHAPTER 20**

*****

**PIPPA: **YAY, I'M BETTER!

**GEMMA: **Boo, Kartik's object of lust is back and breathing.

*

**PIPPA & FELICITY: **Blah, blah blah, forgiveness and reconcile type shit.

*

**PIPPA: **According to my mother, I'm supposed to hide my epilepsy. POO ON HER.

**FELICITY: **Here, let me have a little mournfulness about my mother, and then let us talk about how much I want my father to come to parent's day.

**READERS WHO HAVE READ REBEL ANGELS: **Really? Really? You _want _him to come? Because according to the next book—

**LIBBA BRAY: **Shut it!

*

**FELICITY: **Let me reinforce that Gemma is _mysterious_!

**GEMMA: **I could use this as an opportunity tell them about my secret! Of how voices talk to me and I see visions and…..nah. They already think I'm weird enough.

*

**PIPPA: ***makes small joke at Fee's behalf*

**FELICITY: **Grrr…Felicity no like Pippa joking. Only Felicity gets to make fun of others. FELLICITY SMASH PIPPA!

**PIPPA: **Oops! I fell in the water, tee hee.

**GEMMA: **Holy shitbags, I had a vision like this once! Pippa must not die from drowning! I'll save you! Never fear, Gemma's here!

**PIPPA: **WTF? The water's like two feet deep, dumbass.

**GEMMA: **Ha…ha….just kidding?

**PIPPA: **Freak. Now where's that chick I actually like?

**FELICITY: ***is gone*

**FELICITY: **Don't worry; I'll NEVER let you forget that I'm the bitchy one!

* * *

**Thanks for reading! Please review! **


	11. Chapter 21

Thank you for all the reviews! There are a few slight spoilers for RA and TSFT, so read at your own risk. Here is chapter 21! It's getting even lazier than usual, so I think I'm only going to post one chapter at a time for a while.

Enjoy! =]

* * *

**CHAPTER 21**

*****

**PIPPA: **Now that we're away from Spence, I must embark on life's most important mission: finding hot guys.

**FELICITY: **Finally, here's a chance for me to make a vague, foreshadowing-type comment!

*

**INSPECTOR KENT: ***attempts to get his flirt on*

**MADAME FROGGIE: ***ain't havin it*

*****

**MADAME ROMANOFF: **Oh, I do LOVE clichés!

**AUDIENCE: **Almost as much as we love being gullible! Ooooh, MAGIC.

*

**FELICITY: **Yo, this girl wants to communicate with her dead mother!

**MADAME ROMANOFF: **Eh, bring her on up. She's creepy looking, and will add to the whole air of mystery surrounding my act.

*

**MADAME ROMANOFF: ***is a fake*

**GEMMA: **FUCK. YOU.

**PLACE IN THE REALMS THAT NEVER APPEARS AGAIN IN THE BOOKS: **Sup, bitches?

**GEMMA: **OH SHIT WE'RE IN MAGIC LAND.

**MADAME ROMANOFF: ***proves to be a complete pansy*

**ZOMBIES: **Look, fresh brains! Yum.

*

**GEMMA'S MOM: **Hey, spawn. Long time, no see.

**GEMMA: **As it should be considering that you're DEAD. WTF? But, hey, you know what? This is kind of awesome!

**GEMMA'S MOM: **Shut up while I explain a bunch of shit to you.

*

**MADAME FROGPANT'S DEAD BF: **Hey, tell her I love her and that she should move on. Mostly that she should move on. I mean, dude, it's been like what? Over fifteen years? Seriously, it's creepy. And when someone dead thinks that you're creepy, you KNOW there's a problem there.

**GEMMA: **…will do.

*

**MADAME ROMANOFF: **SAVE MEEE!

**GEMMA: **Be honest, and tell some stuff to the audience and I'll take you back.

*

**MADAME ROMANOFF: **Reginald…Polly…Christmas….Muffler...THE END.

*

**CECILY & ELIZABETH: **Gemma, we love you! Let's be bffs and braid friendship bracelets!

**GEMMA: **Ummm…yeah…no.

**CECILY & ELIZABETH: **Boo, Gemma Doyle's a whore!

*

**INSPECTOR KENT: **So, pretty lady, did you enjoy the performance?

**MADAME FROGGIE: **Let's get married and have lots of babies!

**INSPECTOR KENT: **Yes! Five points for the Kentmister!

*

**KARTIK: **And it's time, once again, for me to be a controlling douche.

**GEMMA: **Fuck off, Kartik! I don't care how pretty you are, you can't talk to me like this!

**KARTIK: **…wh…what?

**GEMMA: **OH SNAP! I just TOLD him!

*

**GEMMA: **The plot needs to be advance some more. It's time for the truth!

*

* * *

Please review!


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